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I’ll probably regret writing this post, but this is my blog and I do have a personal journal section. Besides, I feel that sexuality isn’t just about the sex acts, it’s also about the inner workings or our inner world. There are various reasons insulating my avoidance of common dating rituals. It’s one thing to use seasonal excess as a sexual crutch, quite another to freely blend with another person and build a relationship with them, let alone a sexual relationship. See, I’m aware of all these things. I’m also aware of the physical aspects behind my procrastination. I can’t complain about the sexual pleasure, the whimsical moment that unfolded and the fleeting sense of confidence, but my inner world doesn’t resonate with confidence. I felt like I had repeated a pattern. By experiencing yet another casual sexual moment, I hadn’t really learned anything new about me, or Luke.
I haven’t had the nerve to undress fully in the presence of a casual beau, let alone beau, let alone a room full of hobby artists. Just as I reach the threshold of discussing this physical issue within me, I chicken out. Sure, life doesn’t end or can’t be put on hold until I reach my physical goals, but I can’ t release the latch on my internal gate.
All over the web, there are countless sites discussing body acceptance. I can’t lay claim to owning a king size body, but for me, the flesh that I can pinch, the full inch and a bit, around my middle, isn’t to my satisfaction. I want to run like others do and have, for years. When I look at all the pro-fat sites, I shake my head. I can’t classify an obvious few rolls of excess weight as a curve. It’s not that I find it visually unattractive. Just physically restrictive.
It’s difficult to run for long periods. It’s difficult to get the right balance during push ups because my tits are a strain on my upper body. They don’t hang to my knees and while I’m hardly Pamela Anderson Lee, it is a pain.
I can’t separate myself from my body, especially during sexually intimate moments. I can’t even contemplate fucking and hearing the sound of my inner thighs jiggling. I can’t do that and the ultimate irony that results from pro-fat philosophies is that if I voice all of the above, I’ll upset the pro-fat philosophers. So even though I’m chunky, the current political correctness surrounding the fat movement can silence those who really want to live healthier PHYSICAL lives. Who don’t want to die prematurely due to weight related cardiovascular illnesses. Now, I don’t think there is anything wrong with exercising and working toward a fitter way of life, as well as reducing excess weight.
See the women in the picture within this post? Now they have curves. They just don’t have excess flesh hanging over their panties.
Now the only thing left is to find the courage to unleash all of the above at my next session.
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