4 Years Without Sex

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My therapist suggested I create a list of positives vs. negatives: the traditional pro and con list. This list is to be purely sexual and by creating it, I’ll hopefully be less ambiguous about my non-existent sex life. Before I go further, I do have to state or SHOUT, that my celibacy wasn’t intentional. It was purely incidental. I’m not an advocate of abstinence.
There are many things that can converge and act as the world’s largest speed hump to bring your sex life to a halt. Mine unfolded gradually and yes, I used to be that person who’d vow never to put her sex life on the backburner. No one is perfect.
In four years, I’ve learned more about getting by without sex than maintaining an active sex life -even when not in a relationship – and sex doesn’t suddenly disappear. Here is a brief roundup on the dissolution of my sex life, not that I didn’t try to maintain it.
Attending family functions doesn’t help or may help if you’re after a long-term relationship. I sometimes think that fussiness is directly proportional to the time spent as a single entity. Although some of my family members were gung-ho about introducing me to the potential ‘One,’ my ideas were quite different and I could only visualise a terrible scenario of my exposure as the family tart. It’s difficult to tell your family that you’re not on the market for a permanent relationship while you’re dealing with sex issues in therapy.  The older generation in my family doesn’t believe in therapy, which is a good thing as it’s all about talking…but you try talking to the more senior family members about your penchant for leather, preference for slightly rough looking men and a slightly firmer hand in the intimacy department.
Work relationships have always been a no for me but into my thirties, I realise that beggars can’t be choosers. What with the relentless push toward globalisation, ungodly work hours and unpalatable overtime, people will get it wherever they can and meeting potential fuck partners at work isn’t unusual, but the office politics and gossip can be a headache. It also doesn’t help of you have a conflict of interest: you’re lusting after the same person as your co-worker or your immediate superior. So I took the headache free option. It’s not the ideal time to look for a new job, so I made the work/office sex sacrifice and moved on.
As a last resort to maintain carefree sex, I consulted a few adult dating sites and have to say that out of ten dates, I’d (maybe) find one person attractive and dynamic enough for sex and by attractive, I don’t mean that the man has to be a dead ringer for George Clooney. The person’s sexual attitude does matter and I don’t go for men who think that women are mere chattel or to be used as disposable vaginas. That doesn’t mean that I want a five carat solitaire diamond and an eternal love declaration, but if a man is going to eye me (and talk to me) as though I’m just the means to the end, it just doesn’t work.
I have had a few internet encounters, but they fizzled out. I can only compare casual sex or booty calls to other similar, superficially led experiences, like…*cringing*…shopping.
I’m good at shopping too…
I didn’t share this, or my comparison, with my therapist. I doubt she’d approve or she’d think we’d be circling the same campfire.
I’m still working on the list, but so far I have an even number in both pro and con categories. I’m sure there are more that can be added.

Pros of regular (possibly within a relationship) sex:

  • Knowing exactly, to the minute, what turns your partner on. Meaning that you can get them off in less than sixty seconds and still maintain your sex goddess status.
  • Feel comfortable with your leg hair regrowth.
  • People who love you don’t really care about the fact that you’ve missed your pubic wax appointment?

Cons of regular sex:

  • Having work deadlines and trying to work toward reducing the sexual habituation within a long-term relationship.
  • Having personal deadlines and working on outre ways to maintain the spark.
  • Trying to maintain the line between emotional outrage and sage-like patience when confronted with something like, “We used to fuck seven times a week! What happened?”
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2 Responses to “4 Years Without Sex”

  1. [...] One woman’s fascinating tale about what having a baby can do to your sex life. What depression can do to your sex life. And things learned after 4 year of unintentional celibacy. [...]

  2. [...] One woman’s fascinating tale about what having a baby can do to your sex life. What depression can do to your sex life. And things learned after 4 year of unintentional celibacy. [...]

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