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I’m not one to freely advocate and suggest extramarital or extra-relationship affairs. In my view, they’re prone to headaches, scandals (if you’re a celebrity) and make Chinese water torture look like a holiday package offer. The media has even tracked down Tiger Woods at a rehab clinic. Privacy ceases to exist when you’re a celebrity.
But if you think your life is being sucked into the vortex of monotony and you simply need to inject risk into your daily routine, go all out and treat yourself to a celebrity lifestyle. These are my top ten suggestions to taint your social status, anger your partner (read: make them vow never to have a relationship with a celebrity) and generally give you a nightmarish migraine:
10. By all means, be naughty: type endless text messages containing words such as ‘horny,’ ‘naughty’ and ‘sexy’ and inject these words into ridiculous requests such as, “Send me a naughty picture of yourself.”
9. Buy yourself a second cell phone, preferably with a prepaid account so your calls aren’t traced and then, when you’re busy in any capacity, leave the naughty phone at home and take the boring phone with you, to return home to a screaming relationship partner demanding an explanation for that two minute mpeg of you doing a Prejean with your hands.
8. Definitely be interested in your mistress/lover. By all means, get emotionally involved. That way you show you care and lose all objectivity and incriminate yourself when you least expect it.
7. If pressed, justify your relationship. Sure, no one really interrogates their friends about the possibility of an affair, but feel free to flaunt -what you think as being- the confirmation of your god-like/goddess-like attributes.
6. Be a caring employer like David Letterman. Give compliments. Keep your workplace beautiful and superficial: employ (and fondle) only attractive employees.
5. Spruce yourself up. Buy new clothes and perfume. Try to be the perfect partner your lover wants you to be. The fact that your spouse practically knows your every quirk, including your routine, is beside the point and unimportant.
4. If caught, deny your sexual involvement. Since when is oral sex, sex? (Thank you, Bill).
3. Leave affectionate messages on your lover’s cell phone answering service or on their home telephone explaining your every emotion and include what you’d like to do to them. I mean, they only live for you right? So what if your lover’s mother visits and overhears the message?
2. Hire an escort that Average Joe will never be able to afford without having the bank foreclose on their home.
1. Suddenly -and blatantly- suggest a weird sex act to your partner in such a way that it is completely unlike your character or discussion style.
Have a look at Marie Claire’s collection of celebrity affairs here. That collection is, of course, pre-Tiger Woods.
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