What if you were famous?

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

Sex text messages. Sexy emails…sex on video. These are common aspects of modern life, but are they really necessary? Do they derive from some personal need to be remembered?

Some mornings I wake with a nightmare dissolving in my head and I’m appreciative of the rapid decay, I just don’t want to be famous because -I fear- that a few ex boyfriends will go through their phones and isolate messages. It’s a stupid fear. Maybe it’s a narcissistic fear, but these days you can’t be too careful. What you think is sexy, saucy and arousing one day can be ridiculous months down the track.

Take the recent turn of the Tiger Woods caper. Sure, we knew that the telephone text messages would be revealed but now that they have been revealed, they indicate the ridiculousness of sex text messaging. Cringe…double cringe. The transcript below isn’t remarkable. Hell, many of us can probably confess to saucier texts, but the fact that they’re revealed for the world to read is enough to scare anyone or should scare anyone.

Tiger: do you have a boy friend (Sept. 27, 8:45 p.m.)

Jaimee: I don’t even have someone I am dating … no … u can be my boyfriend ;)

Tiger: then I am

Jaimee: I wish

Tiger: quiet and secretively we will always be together

Tiger: when was the last time you got laid

Earlier that same night, Woods asks Grubbs when she last had a date, and he promises to “wear” her out the next time they see each other:

Jaimee: miss u (Sept. 27, 6:38 p.m.)

Tiger: now that’s hot so who is your new boy toy

Jaimee: no new boy toy … still running dry… been on 2 real dates in the pat 2 months :(

Tiger: I need you

Jaimee: then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u

Tiger: I will wear you out soon

Jaimee: how soon? I got a new piercing

Tiger: really. Where

Jaimee: I just sent u a pic of it … is on my cheek below my eye … implanted a little diamond

Tiger: send it again. I didn’t pick up on that

Tiger: you just need some attention from me

In another, Tiger asks Grubbs if she slept with a friend of hers on his birthday:

Jaimee: I drove out for the night to surprise a friend with a present for there birthday (July 26, 11: 22 p.m.)

Tiger: what kind of present your naked body

Jaimee: haha no a watch I slept alone

Tiger: alone with him that is

Jaimee: haha I wish

Woods also seemingly tried to warn Grubbs that he might not be what she was expecting, referring to himself as “bone thugs in harmony” after he’d canceled a date on her.

Jaimee: is it orange county time yet? (Oct. 1, 6:06 p.m.)

Tiger: oh stop :)

Jaimee: hahaha I know … but you canceled on me last time so the anticipation is killing me … im finding myself watching sports center … haha j/k it isn’t that bad

Tiger: its never been that bad

Jaimee: very true … I only watch football

Tiger: Figured you would say that. Big black guys.

Jaimee: u are my first, last and only black guy! U should feel special

Tiger: why do I not believe that?

Tiger: [later, in response to Jaimee's mention of a date who was "full of himself"] you kinda like that for some reason which is weird why you decided on me.

Tiger: having an asian mother and a military father you cannot and will not ever be full of yourself

Jaimee: I have fun with u, you always make me smile and I am not afraid to be myself or say anything to u … the day I met u I thought u were going to kick me out a few times but for someone reason you didn’t and u have told me numerous times I talk to much but slowly as I get to know u iI think your absolutely amazing

Tiger: you are wrong I’m bone thugs in harmony

In another exchange, Woods asks Grubbs to take a “dirty” photo of herself and send it to him:

Tiger: send me something very naughty (Oct. 18, 3:40 p.m.)

Jaimee: some things are worth waiting for lol … besides im at work

Tiger: go to the bathroom and take it

Jaimee: haha ur too much

Later that day, after they seemed to have hooked up, Grubbs texted him right after he left asking her to come back, and then he refers to himself as “blasian.”

Jaimee: are u leaving me cause your wife is still in newport :( I am lonely now … i like falling asleep in your arms (Oct. 18, 11:38 p.m.)

Tiger: sorry baby I just can’t sleep. Its just a problem I have.

Tiger: she is not here. They left this morning

Jaimee: well I appreciate you not wanting to wake me up but if y couldn’t sleep I would have rather sat up and talked to u more … find out why I keep falling more and more for u ;)

Tiger: Because I’m blasian :)

Tiger: I’m sorry bab. Im already home.

Jaimee: I’m putting my underwear back on … thats a no no … come take them off

Tiger: :) you are too funny

Finally, the day before the crash that caused Woods’ world to unravel, Tiger sent her text message wishing her a happy Thanksgiving.

Tiger: happy thanksgiving to you (Nov. 26, 11:16 a.m.)

Jaimee: u too love

Nowadays, before I do anything that is explicit (I haven’t handed over the details of this blog to anyone I know personally and I don’t plan to) via telephone or email, I ask myself how I’d feel about it if I suddenly became famous. I know it’s too late for the previous load of texts I’ve sent that have revealed crotch and boob, but I no longer own the telephones of those accounts, but still…each time a celebrity scandal hits, I thank all the stars that I’m not famous. I don’ t know how I’d take it if emails and text messages were revealed. It sort of reminds me of my childhood and the odd occasion my diaries were found; the unforgettable sensation of a tight chest and anxious stomach are enough to stop me in my tracks now.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed.

Related posts:

  1. Tiger’s Beyond the Grave Nike Ad
  2. Celebrity Guide to Adultery
  3. What a Tiger! Doing a Tiger
  4. Sexual Disclosures

Leave a Reply